Archives

All posts by Eric Gingell

You wake up every day. You don’t bother getting dressed because you aren’t going anywhere so who cares what you look like. You go to work when it’s time then you go back home. You play games and watch cartoons all day long because that’s what you know. You’re so afraid of the unknown that you won’t go out, you won’t call people, you won’t go buy groceries, you won’t go some place you’re not expected, and you especially won’t ask that cute girl you know out.

Every day you ask yourself, “what is wrong with me?” And the answer is always, “I don’t know.”

You tell yourself, “tomorrow I’m going to tell her I like her.” When tomorrow comes, all you can think about is that you’ll just freak her out or she’ll think you’re a creep. You know she won’t, so what are you really afraid of? Are you afraid she’ll do what the last girl did – step over your query like one steps over a piece of trash on the street, avoid you, and never speak to you again or are you afraid she’ll say she likes you too and you’ll have to go on dates and be social… in public… where you can feel everybody’s eyes staring at you, judging you? Yes, to both, but what scares you the most is that you you’ll give her everything you’re physically and mentally capable of and it might not be enough.

You have social anxiety – the brick wall that surrounds your comfort zone. On top of that, you have two separate yet linked debilitating medical conditions that leave you drained. These things make you depressed, so while you’re home playing games and watching cartoons, you wallow in your own self-pity and lament on Facebook about the things that could have been.

Well, the old SGS2 decided to hard-brick itself. I looked up at it to check the time (I had Desk Clock in the foreground) which said it was ~12:15. I looked at it again a while later and it still said ~12:15 (the time was ~14:30), so I investigated – it was frozen, so I tried rebooting. When I rebooted, it looped the “loop” portion of the boot animation indefinitely, so I attempted it again by holding the power button – after which it remained on the boot pic (separate from the boot animation – the manufacturer/carrier logo). Then I tried a third time by pulling out the battery and now all I get is the notification light. I can’t get even to Recovery or Odin to investigate any fixes, resets, or restores.

I’m still trying to articulate this hurt inside.

Say you’re a lion tamer. You have one lion named Rusty. You’ve had him for ten years. You’re confident that Rusty won’t hurt you too badly. So you get in the cage with him and he takes a swipe at you – he got you pretty bad, too – and escapes never to be heard from again. Now you’re trust in Rusty has been broken. Not only can you never trust him again, but you also have a hard time trusting any other lions.

On November 13th, 2014, I asked a girl who I thought was a friend out on a date and got completely ignored as if I were nothing to her. The feelings I had for her have since turned. There isn’t an adjective adequate enough to describe the anger and raw hatred I now have in my heart for her. But the worst part is that now I’m questioning every friendship I have. Am I just Mark’s former student or am I actually a friend to these people? Of course I know I am a friend and not some random stranger who followed Mark, but the feeling is still there – nagging me – sucking the life from my already damaged heart.

I summoned all the self-confidence I could muster and asked you out thinking the worst I would get was “no”, but what I got was far worse than anything I could imagine. You blew me off like I was some creepy stalker on Facebook cruising for chicks then avoided me like I was some diseased rat. I didn’t even get any condolences for the loss of my sweet Dingus. I thought we were friends – how wrong I was. You don’t have to date me – you don’t even have to like me, but you could at least respect me. I felt worse than rejected – I felt betrayed – I felt like we were doing the trust-fall exercise and you just walked away at the critical moment and let me fall. You destroyed every bit of self-confidence and self-esteem I once had. All I feel now is pain, self-doubt, anger, and hatred. Normally, I can let things go, but I can’t seem to shake these hateful feelings I have toward you. There is no forgive. There is no forget. There is only hate. I hope there is a Hell so you can burn in it.

My Board Games

Simpsons Loser Takes All
Operation
Scattegories
Cloak And Dagger
Greekopoly
Battle Masters (Risk?)
Dirty Minds
Family Guy Trivia or Dare
Moods
Match 4
Mini Mind Mover 3
Easy Money
Battle of the Sexes
Topple
Star Wars Monopoly
Big Bang Theory Clue
Skip-Bo
Apples To Apples Junior
Simpsons Uno
Uno*
Five Crowns
Dominos
Risk
Rummikub Tiles
Rummikub Dice
Quiddler*
Phase 10 Twist
Standard Playing Cards*
Phase 10 Dice*
Mad Gab*
Crazy 8s*
Memory Match
Mille Borne Double Deck*
Phase 10*
Cards Against Humanity*
Farkle (aka 10,000)*

* In the box.

Sick and Alone

I’ve been sick since I was 17. I’m 37 now. It’s progressed from tolerable to now I can’t work because exertion and stress make me nauseous, dizzy, and light headed and may even make my liver bleed.

I haven’t the energy to do anything.
I can’t maintain a relationship.
I can’t even express my feelings.
I am alone.
I am depressed.
I feel empty inside.
I want to be happy.
I want to be in love.
I want to live.

I feel like I’m trapped in a twisted nightmare of pain and sorrow from which there is no escape.

Life passes me by while I struggle to keep up, but I’m falling behind.

I’m tired and afraid.
I’m fighting and losing.

Frank was curious why Paul, the band leader (at least that’s how Frank sees him), wasn’t showing up to band practice anymore. Seems Cindy treats him like shit.

One day, Frank went to his weekly band practice knowing that Alex had already left the band and was moving out that day. Frank showed up early, like he always does, to find Deedee crying. Apparently Alex took the PlayStation that was a gift for Charlie and left an awful mess in the bathroom. Being empathic, Frank absorbs the emotional energy in the room. He literally felt for them which left him emotionally drained. He would probably have emotionally died had Charlie been there. Luckily, he was with his uncle across town.

Some time later, Frank showed up at practice at the usual time, early, to find Mary already there. Occasionally, Tommy or Mary will get there before he does, so he didn’t think anything of it. Mary was hoping Rick would show up, but she had to leave early saying she had to leave before Cindy got there. Frank was puzzled. Then Cindy showed up. She was visibly upset. At one point, she started bawling ran outside. Rick, Deedee, and Leo were worried that she might do something she could never undo. She eventually came back in, but she was in a very dark place – she was having marital issues with her wife, Mary, which explains why she left early. Witnessing this and sucking up all that negative energy left Frank emotionally drained and ill.

A couple weeks after that, Cindy went to Fresno with Tommy for the weekend, so Mary came to practice. She was ok at first until she started talking about her puppies which made her visibly upset and she started crying. Mary was also in a dark place, but not nearly as dark as Cindy’s. These events also left Frank emotionally drained.

Occasionally, the band would forgo practice and go see a movie. Since Cindy didn’t like going out to movies, Mary usually joined them. Frank felt like the band was hiding from Cindy – which they were – and he isn’t fond of going out to movies either, so he felt like he was going to lose the band because of Cindy. This left Frank emotionally drained.

Another couple weeks later, the band went out to another movie where he saw Mary in a completely different light. She seemed happy for the first time ever. This made Frank feel good and left him emotionally charged.

Frank found out from Rick that Cindy had told Mary she was no longer welcome at band practice. This hurt Frank deeply and left him pissed off and emotionally drained – he had developed feelings for Mary. He told this to Rick, for whatever fool reason, how he felt and that he could never tell her as he would only end up hurting her. Rick then informed him that she’s happy because she has a boyfriend, Rick himself. The concept of a three-way relationship hadn’t even occurred to him, but he probably should have realized it before – Rick, Deedee, and Mary sitting on the couch together while they watched 12 Monkeys in the band room. At any rate, this made Frank feel good. Seeing Mary happy is only thing that mattered. Frank again felt emotionally charged.

Then there’s Sally. Sally’s cute, sweet, nice, happy, funny, and smart, and she likes cute furry animals and Futurama. One day she commented on one of her posts that Frank “is cool”. This caused a supercharged emotional overload inside Frank. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, but for the same reason he can’t tell Mary how he feels about her, he can’t tell Sally how he feels, either. This is triggering Frank’s depression and is leaving him emotionally drained. At least he knows he isn’t numb and can still feel.

I’ve been playing a lot of Final Fantasy X-2 lately and I have a few things to say that I feel could be helpful.

  • New Game Plus
    New Game Plus is great, but there are a few things that should be known:
    1. You can’t access this feature until you beat the game at least once and watch the credits until asked if you want to save the New Game Plus data. At which time, you will be bounced back to the game’s main menu where a new option appears.
    2. There are three ways to access New Game Plus.
      • Beat the game (must be done or the following will not work).
      • Load a saved game with New Game Plus data and soft-reset back to the game’s main menu. If playing the HD Remastered version on the PS3/PS4, don’t soft-reset. Instead press Start/Options, then Triangle, then select Yes.
      • Die a horrible death and get Game Over while playing a saved game with New Game Plus data.
    3. You get to keep most of your stuff and progress. I will list the things that carry over or don’t carry over (as noted):
      • In-Game menu
        • Items:
          • Use: You retain every item on this list except Gysahl Greens.
          • Key Items: You lose everything in this list except Al-Bhed Primers I-XXVI, Twilight Rain, Aurora Rain, Machina Booster, Machina Reactor, Victor Primoris, Corpus Invictus, and Magical Dances Vol I and II.
        • Equip:
          • Every character and trapped fiends’1 levels will be reset to 1.
          • All accessories will be unequipped.
          • The First Steps garment grid will be equipped to all characters and trapped fiends1.
          • Rikku’s Dressphere will be reset to Thief.
          • Paine’s Dressphere will be reset to Warrior.
          • Yuna and all trapped fiends’1 Dresspheres will be reset to Gunner.
        • Garment Grids:
          • You will keep them all.
          • The First Steps garment grid will be reset to its initial configuration.
        • Abilities and Dresspheres:
          • You will keep all of your Dresspheres.
          • They will all retain their progress.
        • Accessories:
          • You get to keep them all.
        • You get to keep all of your hard-earned gil.
        • Your play time continues from where it left off.
        • You retain your completion percentage.
      • Shinra’s Menu:
        • Creature Creator1:
          • All of your trapped fiends will be reset to story level 1.
          • You will retain your bestiary entries.
          • You retain the unlocked tournaments.
          • You lose every entry in the Battle Simulator except a select few. So far, the first page and the Aeons carried over.
          • The Fiend Arena Config resets to Default.
        • CommSphere Network menu item disappears.
        • Shinra’s Guide to Everything is always the same whether New Game Plus or not.
        • You lose all of your Treasure Spheres.
        • You retain Shinra’s Bestiary and Dossiers.
    4. Everything in the field resets including Calm Lands credits (100 for each company) – spend them while you can, unlocked dungeons, and treasure chests.
    5. O’aka’s debt gets set to a seemingly random amount. I have not noticed any pattern to it. One time it was 1,000 Gil. Another time it was 100,000 Gil.
    6. You lose all of your Sphere Break coins.
    7. You retain all of your Blitzball stats and players.
    8. The Bushido ability Momentum retains its internal kill count and continues to gain momentum.

1 Requires HD Remastered (PS3/PS4) or International