You wake up every day. You don’t bother getting dressed because you aren’t going anywhere so who cares what you look like. You go to work when it’s time then you go back home. You play games and watch cartoons all day long because that’s what you know. You’re so afraid of the unknown that you won’t go out, you won’t call people, you won’t go buy groceries, you won’t go some place you’re not expected, and you especially won’t ask that cute girl you know out.

Every day you ask yourself, “what is wrong with me?” And the answer is always, “I don’t know.”

You tell yourself, “tomorrow I’m going to tell her I like her.” When tomorrow comes, all you can think about is that you’ll just freak her out or she’ll think you’re a creep. You know she won’t, so what are you really afraid of? Are you afraid she’ll do what the last girl did – step over your query like one steps over a piece of trash on the street, avoid you, and never speak to you again or are you afraid she’ll say she likes you too and you’ll have to go on dates and be social… in public… where you can feel everybody’s eyes staring at you, judging you? Yes, to both, but what scares you the most is that you you’ll give her everything you’re physically and mentally capable of and it might not be enough.

You have social anxiety – the brick wall that surrounds your comfort zone. On top of that, you have two separate yet linked debilitating medical conditions that leave you drained. These things make you depressed, so while you’re home playing games and watching cartoons, you wallow in your own self-pity and lament on Facebook about the things that could have been.

I’m still trying to articulate this hurt inside.

Say you’re a lion tamer. You have one lion named Rusty. You’ve had him for ten years. You’re confident that Rusty won’t hurt you too badly. So you get in the cage with him and he takes a swipe at you – he got you pretty bad, too – and escapes never to be heard from again. Now you’re trust in Rusty has been broken. Not only can you never trust him again, but you also have a hard time trusting any other lions.

On November 13th, 2014, I asked a girl who I thought was a friend out on a date and got completely ignored as if I were nothing to her. The feelings I had for her have since turned. There isn’t an adjective adequate enough to describe the anger and raw hatred I now have in my heart for her. But the worst part is that now I’m questioning every friendship I have. Am I just Mark’s former student or am I actually a friend to these people? Of course I know I am a friend and not some random stranger who followed Mark, but the feeling is still there – nagging me – sucking the life from my already damaged heart.

I summoned all the self-confidence I could muster and asked you out thinking the worst I would get was “no”, but what I got was far worse than anything I could imagine. You blew me off like I was some creepy stalker on Facebook cruising for chicks then avoided me like I was some diseased rat. I didn’t even get any condolences for the loss of my sweet Dingus. I thought we were friends – how wrong I was. You don’t have to date me – you don’t even have to like me, but you could at least respect me. I felt worse than rejected – I felt betrayed – I felt like we were doing the trust-fall exercise and you just walked away at the critical moment and let me fall. You destroyed every bit of self-confidence and self-esteem I once had. All I feel now is pain, self-doubt, anger, and hatred. Normally, I can let things go, but I can’t seem to shake these hateful feelings I have toward you. There is no forgive. There is no forget. There is only hate. I hope there is a Hell so you can burn in it.